My brother helped a lot of people. He inspired them to stand up for what was right. He influenced me the most, he taught me the importance of doing the right thing, even when it’s hard.
The way he went wasn’t fair, not to me, or to anyone. The thing about Josh was that he always helped other people. He was like a candle, he burnt himself up so that others could see. I always thought that was what dad would’ve wanted.
You couldn’t tell Josh was hurting, not the slightest bit. Every time I saw him he made me feel so much better and I thought that was how he felt inside and he wanted to share it. But I was wrong, he was broken inside, torn apart by the world. He was a victim, just trying to make people happier. Because that’s the thing about sad people, they try their hardest to make others happy because they just want to feel that way.
Last year when our dad died, I could tell Josh was upset but he didn’t look upset. He had to strong, for me. He lied in my room every night so I wouldn’t feel alone, but who was there for him? Josh was 15 then, barely a teenager and now when I look back, I see his smile and it hurts my heart.
Josh did a lot of things. He was very involved in a lot of school things. He played on the basketball and baseball teams. He was an active volunteer for every fundraiser, he loved to help others. Josh also skated, not like ice skating but skateboarding. He was a nerd and a jock and hipster all in one.
That’s one of the many reasons I loved him, he wasn’t afraid to be who he was. Until he found out who he was. I suppose I always knew he was just a little bit gay. I mean bisexual anyway. We never talked about it, our dad didn’t support the LGBTQ+ community. So when I found out, from a friend of his after he got jumped at school one day, I was shocked.
I fully supported him and I didn’t ask question because I wasn’t going to discriminate. I still loved my brother, no matter who he was. But Josh wasn’t out of the closet. He was hiding and I respected that.
The entire time he told me how important it was to be yourself and he’d say it over and over again and he really tried to make me a better person. But I was a typical 11 year old and I couldn’t care less. He tried to teach me that you have to stand up for what you believe in and to make sure I never let people walk all over me.
At this point I wasn’t living in the same country as him so I didn’t see him much and we lost contact. So when Christmas 2018 rolled around and he called saying he missed me, I was surprised. Usually older brothers could care less about there siblings but Josh wasn’t your normal older brother.
We talked about how he had been facing bullies revolving around his sexuality. It was then he told me that he was for sure gay and he was coming out. I was excited, finally Josh could be himself. And he as never happier.
We would talk about movies and music and all sorts of things. One day he called and screamed into the phone, “IT Chapter Two!!” I remember we went to see the first movie for his birthday and I loved it. So he said that he’d take me to Chapter Two premiere, right in Los Angelos where I could meet the actors and I almost cried. I marked down on my calendar and counted down every day.
Then in May, 7 days after my birthday, my friend Emilia called. She asked if I had heard. And of course I hadn’t. So she told me that Josh was into hard drugs, heroine, meth cocaine. He want doing so well. He was in and out of rehab and was doing stuff I the street.
It was a long hard road, he struggled with it so much. So one day I asked him why. He was a little drunk so he wasn’t fully alert but I’ll never forget what he said. “Shay, sometimes I feel ashamed. Ashamed of who I am. And I hate that I’m nothing like dad said I should be. So I started doing drugs to forget about him but also to remember him. What I said about being yourself was bullshit. Just be who society wants you to be, it’s easier.”
I had never seen him like that so in July, I spent my entire summer attending his rehab meetings and going to pride parades with him so he wouldn’t feel alone. It was my turn to return the favour like he did so long ago when dad died. I thought we were getting somewhere. But school started again and he got dragged down, there was so much hate and he started doing drugs again. There was nothing I could do. I was busy enough in my new school and I couldn’t go visit him.
We didn’t get to go to IT premiere and I had known it since May. So I went with my friend instead and it took everything I could not to cry. And it wasn’t because I wanted to go to the stupid premiere but because I wanted him to be happy and to be the old Josh again. I wanted us to be kids again and I wanted our dad back.
Josh committed suicide October 19th, 2019. I never would’ve seen it coming. But I’d like to spread awareness. Not just for LGBTQ+ but for everything. Bullying, racism, sexism, mental illnesses, everything. You never know what someone is going through on the inside. And you may never know, because I’ll never know what made Josh do what he did. So please, think twice before you click send or say something you can’t take back, because things like that stay lodged deep inside.
I’m not looking for clout, not at all, I’m just trying to make a difference like he would’ve wanted.
So I’m going to stand for what’s right in every way, will you stand with me?
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜👬👭
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